An Open Letter To My Husband..

From a very frustrated and distressed Tinnitus suffering Wife ..

T   Traumatic

I     Insanity

N   Noisy

N   Never Ending

I    Irritating

T  Tension

U  Upheaval

S    Suicidal

Dear sweet Husband,

I am writing this letter to you because I am feeling much guilt for putting such a heavy burden onto you with my Tinnitus.

I wish it had never entered my life, but it did. I wish I could turn back the clock to when I didn't know a damn thing about it, to a time before it went on to consume my mind, and my life, second after second, minute after minute, hour and hour, year after year, and yours too...

I know I can not die from this very freaky hellish condition, God I have had enough tests to prove this and been told enough times, but sometimes I feel like I am ....  slowly dying 'mentally' if not physically.

It torments and tires me out day in and day out. There is no escape, no magic tablet, or wonder drug/herb that will take me back to the good ole days, when it did not exist....the constant humming/buzzing/ringing/blood rushing (and other annoying bonus noises) sounds inside my brain, causing my ears to often feel blocked, and my scalp to be very sensitive/painful. One keeps holding on to the belief there will be some miracle cure one day.. But I do not have much faith left inside of me now, as I once did. I have always believed there is a reason for everything that happens, but the reality of it is.. that sometimes there are no reasons. It just happens !

I know my suffering affects you, leaving you very  frustrated, overwhelmed,  mentally exhausted, angry, lonely, and at a loss at how to 'fix' me/us up. You are a very sensitive person, and it has not been easy, or fair on you to have to endure it/me. You do not deserve my outbursts of emotional attacks, blame, and my rejection of you, at times.

It saddens me deeply that I turn so nastily on you, when all you have tried to be is very caring and  supportive of me over the years.. I am very aware your patience is starting to wear extremely thin, naturally. Your normally soft and gentle disposition is slowly being destroyed by this other person that lives inside my body. It's not helping that I may be also going through 'the change' that most women have to endure/go through at some point in their lives. I do feel p#$@ off that I have nothing to show for all those years of having to go through so many hormonal /physical changes  in readiness to have produce babies, and not being able too, and yet I still have to go through another stage of woman hood, 'Menopause' where us women start shutting down from making any more babies! And after years of  trying to accept it and getting on with my life, Yes I am  now very angry about it all , more than ever !! It's like years of being tolerant has suddenly been wildly unleashed from within me, and I'm now like an exploding volcano !

I know I should be grateful, and for the most part I am, that I could have far  worse problems in my life. But having had to suffer infertility , cancer, losing my brothers, one of them the day before my 6th birthday, and other unpleasant situations life has thrown my way for whatever reason, I do wish I  could be spared from any more suffering. I have had more than my share !

I do have very black days, as you know, that I  tell you, about  that I have wanted to gulp down a whole lot of my tablets, and end it all. I know that's selfish to think that way, but the thought of being a burden to you, and my family  and knowing I can't seem to keep control of it all anymore, seems an easy option out  for me these days. I just want you to be happy and enjoy your life, not live it with someone like me. I wish that I could still  be the happy go lucky positive and smiley woman you met all those years ago ! 

I know you would like me to stop continually  going on about my tinnitus and painful headaches, as you say there is nothing you can do to to help me, or there's nothing you can do or say to give me any comfort (apart from  you massaging my head most nights to help give me a distraction, which I am forever so appreciative of, even tho I don't always tell you) But I feel if I stop whinging about it, I will be left  all alone with it, and you will forget that it is still going on inside my head..

I wish I was one of those sufferers that just had it mildly, not 24/7  as I do.  I feel sometimes even they don't fully understand the extent of how crazy mine gets! I know you feel bad for me also when others say 'Oh it's not that bad, we can cope, or  we can forget about ours sometimes, just keep yourself busy''. We both know it's not that simple, and it's not from lack of trying to mask it, distracting myself, or keeping busy each day.

I worry this will/is having an devastating  impact on our relationship/marriage. We both are seeing the cracks now quite visibly.  I feel awkward and very embarrassed  that my tinnitus is getting in the way in many areas of our marriage. I want to relax and tune out, and concentrate on just the two of us, but it keeps getting in between us, at all the wrong times. It can come on with a vengeance if   any of my senses a heightened  at times, causing me to avoid our intimate times together, I know this is not fair on you ... It's not 'Normal' !

I am writing this because I am finding it very difficult to share with you my feelings anymore, without yelling like a crazed banshee woman, or  arguing .. I am not expecting  it will suddenly make everything 'perfect' between us, far from it, but I do hope it will help make you understand that this is not your fault, you have done nothing wrong, and that you are a good Man and Husband, who doesn't deserve all this crap!!

I hope if it gets too bad, and you are at your very wits end, you will seek out some support from someone, to help you deal with it/me to some degree. I have told you I will also go back to counselling again soon, as the problem lies with me, not  you.....

I just want you to know I love  you very much, and am very lucky to have you in my life. And that I hope we can get through this somehow. I know I have to accept this invisible condition, and that it's never going to go away, no matter how much I a carry on about it ...

Love You !

J xxx

*I am writing this publically, as a way to reach out to other sufferers and their partners, who might be going through through the same as us, to let you all know that you are not alone, as much as it may feel like it...

Above image was found Here