A Family That Doesn't Exist :(

I have a niece, she is six years old, and recently started school.

She is the daughter of my estranged brother, and his now separated wife.



The last time I saw her, was when she was a baby.  She does not know of my existence . I am her only relative apart from my Mother, her Grandmother. She also has a Grandfather, my Father, who has also been banquished from their lives. My brother is a person who if he  feels like he has been wronged by someone, he will forever hold a grudge against them. Unfortunately he has not  inherited our Mother's gentle and  forgiving nature.

Initially (and I will be very honest here) and admit that when I found out my brother's wife was pregnant, I was overwhelmed with a deep sadness, and a tiny bit of resentment. My husband and I have not been able to  have children due to me having an ablation of the womb in my early 30's, as a result of severe Endometritis  and some other health issues. (See this blog post)

Looking back over the years, I realized I probably should have been more excited and jumping over the moon for them,  I was, just not at the moment I found out through my Mother. I have a feeling I may have taken a longer than I should have to send them our Congratulations. Their reaction to the way I acted started the whole downward spiral to the full dismissal of my relationship with my brother. It does go deeper from before that time, but I do not  think it is fair to sit here and add more salt to old wounds.

We were living quite a distance away from my brother and his wife at the time they had my niece.My memory is bad these days, so I do not remember every exact detail of who visited who in those early days, but I do recall we invited them up to our place for dinner one night a few weeks after my sil had her.

Each time we saw our niece, we would hold her and talk to her, as much as you can interact with a very young baby. She  was such a cute and happy little baby on the occasions we saw her :)

Fast forward. In the planning of our wedding, my now husband and I decided because we were on such a very tight budget, and that reception venue we had chosen had limited seating arrangement, that we would not invite any children.. We made it clear on our guest's invites that babies were an exception. Children were still welcomed to our ceremony. We thought it might be a bit of a touchy issues with my brother and his wife (she has two children from a previous marriage), so we went and  visited them and tactfully and nicely  told them what we had chosen. We knew there and then they were very upset at us, they made it very clear they were not happy with our decision!

In the end they didn't even bring our niece along :(

From that time onwards,  they starting having less to do with us,  obviously still upset about their children not being included. We have since thought about what happened, but we do not regret our decision. Sure if we had more money, and a bigger venue, maybe we would have planned it differently? We had a couple of  pre wedding dramas as it was!
(Ironically when they married some time after us, they eloped, and only invited their close friends (not us) to where they went. Only their children went, no one else's!)

Later another incident occurred, that was very unreasonable and unwarranted on my brother's part, but it was to be the final straw between him and I  :( He shouted at me in very strong language in front of all his children that I was no longer ever welcomed in his house again. It left me shaky and in total shock, and I cried all the way back home.

That was over 5 years ago, and we have only talked once since that time (when my Mum left my Dad for a while).

He has since split with his wife,  and I thought perhaps that might have changed the dynamics between him and me, but it hasn't . I left him a very supportive message on his mobile about a year ago, after his wife left him, but he never responded.

My Mother is besotted with her one and only granddaughter, naturally! :)

I am so happy for her that she has her in her life, and they love each other to bits !

My Mother is always going on about how she is a spitting image of me at the same age, has the same mannerisms I had, and I think she keeps thinking she is me from that time! LOL  It's a long story but my Mother had two sons (twins) who were born two years before me, and had many health issues and required special care, and lots of attention. My Mother had to do it all on her own without any support, plus look after me, while my dad was busy trying to earn money for us by doing shift work as a taxi driver back then. My Mother has often told me she feels guilty for not having having had more time for me, but I was such a easy baby to look  after, and I hardly cried, so it made it much easier to concentrate on the twins. Sadly one of the twins died a day before my 6th birthday party, but my Mother still put on a little birthday party for me and my friends. Bless her! What a precious Mother she was, and still is !

Hence why I feel she is trying to make up for those times now with her granddaughter :)

I love hearing about all my niece's antics, and all the very cheeky things she gets up too, but I do find it very painful at times to listen too, especially when my Mother is over excited after having just seen her! I feel very left out of it all, and even envious at times that I am missing out on my one and only niece's  life. I have found myself crying after my Mother has finished talking about her ( but never in front of her..later). Sometimes I want to tell my Mother not to go on so much, but I never have the heart to say it to her.  I try to feel happy for my Mother. It brightens up her life so much, and she so deserves it!

I find myself imagining that if I was part of my niece's  life, I would love to be her mentor, and be a positive role model in her life. I often see pretty girly dresses and funky children's jewelry and wish I could buy them for her (especially when i'm out with my mum while she is buying things for her, and she's asking for my opinion!)! I used to ride and show horses, and I would love to teach her to ride a pony ! LOL

I don't know if her parents will ever tell her about me? or that she even has a Grandfather. I worry it will be too late if  and when they do! My Father is getting on in age, and has heart problems, and recently was diagnosed with prostate cancer (it is not too serious atm) :(

She is a smart little girl and has already been questioning my Mother about how come she doesn't have any Aunty's or Uncle's like her step sister and brother have? And where is my Mum's husband (her Grandfather), as surely she must have one like all the other kids do!

My Mum has been told she is not allowed to mention us. My Mother as much as she wants too, lives in constant fear they will stop contact with her if she dare goes against their wishes ! My Mother would never jeopardize her relationship with her only granddaughter! I don't blame her. I understand, and don't hold that against her. It is so very wrong they have put her in that situation tho!  It deeply eats away at my Mother tho. She tells me my niece  is very intune , especially for her age, and it is only a matter of time she will question her parents why she doesn't have any other family.

For now I unable to do much about the situation. I don't know what the future will bring, which way it will go? but all I can do for now is to stay in touch with what she is up to her in her life via my Mother.
My Mother gives me update photos so I can still  follow her stages of growing up.I love looking at her photos of her, and seeing her long blonde hair flowing around her, as mine had once also, and her little wrinkles she has under her  eyes, that I had also and never outgrew!! LOL

I think she will do well in her life, she's a smart , independent and happy go lucky little girl (despite her parent's  marriage breakup), and I pray that she will have a successful life with whatever she chooses to do as she gets older .

I do have plans (which I have started organizing already) to write to her in a pretty journal I bought a while ago, about her history, who her descendants are, where they come from  etc  I think one should always have some record of their family background. I'm not so sure she is going to learn much about hers, from her parents.

I am going add some photos of my husband and me in it, and photos of our pets, and let her know I have always taken an interest in her life. I do not plan to to write anything negative in it, unless she ends up meeting us one day and wants to know the 'truth' !

If my Mum is still around (hopefully she will be!!) by the time my niece  is old enough to make her own decisions, I will give her the journal for her to pass it on. .. Or I will find another way .

I guess as I  am getting older, I am realizing  the importance of families staying connected. I do not want her growing up believing she never had a family outside of her parents.

I feel such a strong connection with my niece, even tho I have not seen her since she was a baby.. I hope with all my heart, we eventually do meet!

I often feel robbed and angry about not being able to have children, and this just tops it off, not being allowed to be part of my beautiful niece's life.  I feel that I am being punished by my  brother. It has cost me dearly my  one and only chance of ever being a part of my niece's life, especially in  all her important years to come.